


Funny How Falling Feels Like Flying (For A Little While)

by Destiel_Sabriel4eva



Series: Harry Potter One-Shots [18]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Drug Abuse, Drug Addiction, Drug Withdrawal, Heroin, Marauders' Era
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-11
Updated: 2018-05-11
Packaged: 2019-05-05 10:02:46
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,076
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14615997
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Destiel_Sabriel4eva/pseuds/Destiel_Sabriel4eva
Summary: Heroin; it’s the closest thing to a cure for Lycanthropy that Remus has ever found.





	Funny How Falling Feels Like Flying (For A Little While)

**Author's Note:**

> WARNING: in case someone did not read the tags DRUG ABUSE, HEROIN, DRUG WITHDRAWAL, warnings.  
> Read with care.

Funny How Falling Feels Like Flying (For A Little While)

**_Disclaimer – I do not own Harry Potter.  Title comes from Jeff Bridges’ song Fallin’ & Flyin’._ **

 

Christmas break 1976 finds Remus in a dingy alleyway.  He’ll be back at school in three days, and he knows he promised himself it was only for the holidays, that he’d stop before school comes back, but it helps.  He knows if anyone knew they’d be worried, they wouldn’t like it, they’d try and stop him.  But hasn’t everyone been telling him for years that he can’t always put the wants and feelings of others before his own?  Yes, that’s true.  If they knew, if they really _understood_ , they’d be happy for them. 

This is what he tells himself as he buys enough to last him a school term.  He doesn’t think too hard on what he had to do to get the money for it.  He didn’t have a choice though, and really, they should have locked the car.

 

Remus sits in his room later that night, needle ready to use, as he wonders, not for the first time, if perhaps this isn’t the wisest move.

What seems like so long ago now, but is really only a month ago, Sirius had turned on him, had nearly got two people killed, let alone what might have happened to Remus himself.  Remus misses Sirius, misses him so much, but he couldn’t get over the anger.  He wanted so badly to forgive his friend and he just didn’t know how.  He’d said as much to James.  James, he tried to understand, and that much he really could, but he also knew that Remus would just have to find a way to do so, because there is nothing more Sirius can do.  He had said this to Remus, and that had eventually lead Remus here.

It helps, the drug.  All the bad feelings, they go away, including the anger.  What he hadn’t expected was for all the aches and pains that come with being a Werewolf are gone as well.  His moodiness around the full moon disappears with regular use, or so had happened during the last, and if he takes it just before moonrise, the wolf remains as happy as he is.

Heroin; it’s the closest thing to a cure for Lycanthropy that Remus has ever found.

Mind made up, Remus injects the drug into his blood stream, then lays back as the pain dims and intense pleasure takes over.  He smiles, tears in his eyes as all the bad slips away and he finds peace again.

Tomorrow, school comes back.  Tomorrow he will see Sirius.  And tomorrow, he can show Sirius that he forgives him.  No matter what it took, it is worth it.  Doesn’t James always say you should do anything for your friends?

Yes, yes, this can only be a good thing.

It’s a good thing.

 

 

When Remus gets to the train station, he’s glad he has always been a clutz, that way his not so sudden propensity to walk into people after failing to move out of the way in time is not so obvious.  He finds his friends after getting lost in the crowd three times, but when he does he smiles widely and walks over.

“Remus!” Peter calls excitedly, he had avoided them for the last two weeks of first term, so his friend’s surprise at seeing him make his way over is pretty reasonable.

“Hey Wormtail.”  James grins at Remus, then his grin falls as Sirius looks to the ground, unsure what to do, “Prongs,” Remus greets, then he looks to Sirius with a small smile, “Padfoot?” Sirius looks up in surprise, Remus just hugs him.  Sirius hugs him back, fighting back tears of relief as James whoops loudly in excitement.  Remus ignores all of it as he breathes in his friends’ scent, “I missed you,” Remus whispers to him.

“I missed you too.”

 

 

There’s a missing stone behind Remus’ bed head.  He’s not exactly sure who cut the square out of the bed head itself, but it covers back over as well and is, as such, the perfect hiding place.  That’s where he hides the heroin, the needles, the bands.  He doesn’t mention it to anyone.  Anytime he feels the irritability or the depression settling in, anytime he feels the old aches and pains coming back, he shuts himself in his bed and takes more.

It’s a good system, and for months it works.  Easter holidays come and go, he restocks for the last term, and things are fine.  Everything is fine.  Or so Remus keeps telling himself every time he lies about where he has been, lies about why he hasn’t been eating much, about why he seems sickly and has been throwing up.  Everything is fine because he feels better than he ever has, feels like maybe everything can be okay because everything is _fine_.  It’s fine.

But it’s not, and people have noticed.

First, it’s McGonagall, she calls him in to enquire about his lack of focus in class and is he okay because he doesn’t seem like himself.  His reassurances are hollow, and his lies fall on deaf ears.

Then it’s James, he who brings food up to the dorms and _begs_ him to eat, to prove that he really is okay.

It’s Lily who begins doing most of his work for him because he can’t concentrate, can’t focus on the words, can’t bring them into focus.

It’s Sirius who doesn’t ask, doesn’t approach.  He worries, he’s on a tenuous thread.  So he watches, and he waits, hoping that something gives.  It’s him who notices the pattern, him who takes action because he can’t ask and if he can’t ask he’ll find out some other way.  He won’t lose his friend, not again.

James and Sirius wait until Remus is out with Peter before they start ransacking his part of the room trying to find _something_ , _anything_ , to explain all this.

“Hey, Prongs.  What do you suppose this is?” Sirius calls, showing his brother the square of wood behind the pillow that clearly is supposed to come out but that he can’t remove.

“Whatever it is, he’s used magic to keep anyone else from getting in.”

“Then we need to get around it.”  James and Sirius try a few things, but none of it works. 

Eventually, Sirius stalks down to the common room.

“Evans!” Sirius calls from the bottom of the stairs, Lily looks over, about to tell him to sod off when she sees the look on his face.

“What’s wrong?  What’s happened?”  And it’s in that moment that Sirius sees what James likes about her.  He’s never noticed before, not under the temper and the stupid friendship between her and Snivellus.  It’s not kindness, it’s a bottomless compassion that extends to everyone.  Including Severus.

“We need your help, please,” He requests, nodding up to the dorm.  Lily frowns, following him up uncertainly, “We need to get that open and we don’t have much time.”

“What is it?” Lily asks, James and Sirius look at each other anxiously.

“We don’t know, exactly,” James admits, “But it’s Remus’ and he doesn’t know we are doing this.”  Lily’s frown deepens, “If we find nothing of import he doesn’t ever need to know, but if we _do_ find something, then it _needs_ to be found.”

“Is this about why he’s been so off lately?” They both nod.  She bites her lip, still uncomfortable with the huge invasion of privacy, but she’s not dumb, she knows something is very wrong.

She has it open in under a minute.

“Can we never talk about that again?” James requests, Lily spares him a small smile.

“Don’t worry, Potter.  I’m sure you loosened it for me.” Sirius snickers as he opens the hiding place, he frowns as he pulls out a bag of white powder, a lighter, and a needle.  Lily’s eyes widen, looking in she finds a spoon as well.

It’s then that the door opens and Remus walks in with Peter, laughing dazedly about something.  He stumbles slightly on the step.  He turns to see two sheepish looks and one horrified.  Then he sees what they are looking at and he pales.

“I-I can explain.”  Lily gets up, shutting the door and casting a silencing charm on the room before she rounds on him.

“WHAT THE FUCKING HELL ARE YOU _THINKING_?!” She demands, he flinches back.

“L-Look, it’s not as bad as you’re thinking, it-it-”

“What exactly _is_ it?” James asks, pointing to the bag Sirius is still holding.

“Heroin,” Lily tells them, “It’s a highly addictive, highly _dangerous_ drug.”  The other three marauders look to Remus in shock, “Remus, why the hell would you _do_ this?” Remus’ bottom lip trembles as he curls in on himself slightly.

“I-I didn’t want to e angry anymore,” He says quietly, looking at Sirius who looks shattered at his words, “I couldn’t get over it, I didn’t know how.  But-But it helps, I-I’m not angry anymore.  An-And the pain, pain I always feel, it’s gone,” Remus tells the others, “I-I’m careful with it, I promise,” he says, “Please…please don’t-don’t take it away.” The other four occupants of the room exchange terrified looks.

“Moony…Moony we have to,” James tells him, Remus lets out a sob, shaking his head rapidly.

“No, no please, please I _need_ it, you don’t-you don’t understand I…it helps, it helps, don’t you get it?  All-All the times when it’s so hard, it’s so close to the surface, all the times I lose control, it’s all gone-it’s _gone_.” James, Sirius, and Peter look at him, in shock and awe.

“It will kill you, Remus,” Lily tells him bluntly.

“I’M BETTER OFF THAT WAY THAN I AM WITHOUT…WITHOUT _IT_!” Remus shouts, Lily takes a step back in fright, Remus clutches at his hair, “I don’t want to be in pain anymore.  The wolf, it’s so quiet, I don’t want it to come back… _please_ ,” Remus begs, Sirius hands the drugs to Lily before walking over and holding Remus close.

“I would rather you be angry.  I would rather you hate me forever than have you die.” Remus sobs into his shoulder, so scared of things going back to how they were.  He didn’t know how bad things were until it was all gone.

“I can’t keep living like I was.  I-It hurt so much Padfoot, so much,” He tells Sirius as he holds onto him for dear life.

“The wolf?” Lily asks suddenly, everyone looks at her, Remus’ eyes widening.

“Shit.”

Lily looks at him, then at the drugs, then at the calendar on the wall that shows the moon cycle, the full circled in red marker.  There’s no outward indication when it clicks.  No increase in breathing rate, no widened eyes, no gasps. Just a simple, “Oh.”

“Evans…?” James asks cautiously, Lily looks back to the group, then back to the drugs in her hand.

“How long have you been taking this?” She asks Remus who looks to the ground, shame colouring his cheeks.

“Since Christmas hols.”

“Jesus Christ, Remus,” Lily mutters.

“I-I’m sorry.  I only meant it to be for those holidays.  But it…”

“Is addictive?” Lily offers.

“No, no, it just…it _helps_ ,” He explains desperately, if he could just make them understand than things could be fine again, they could be _fine_ , “I don’t want to stop Lily, plea-” She holds a hand up to stop his words.

“My Uncle used to do this, so I know what I’m talking about what I say I can tell you don’t want things to be like this.”  Remus hesitates, “People don’t hide things that they think are okay, Remus.” Remus hadn’t thought about it like that, “What would you do,” She asks quietly, “If it were one of the others?” He looks at Sirius and James and Peter, he shakes his head, looking back at Lily.

“Lily…please don’t make me,” he requests in a small voice instead of answering her question.  She puts the drugs in her pocket, he whimpers, flinching forward as though to try and stop it from happening.  Sirius tightens his hold on him.

“It’s for the best, Remus.  You know it is.”

 

The group of five eventually sit on the floor in the dormitory, just sitting.

“Two days left of school,” James says, “What if we all ‘went camping for our last summer before our last year’ and went somewhere just the five of us to deal with this?” The others nod their agreement, except Remus.

“Y-You know, if that’s what we’re doing, then I probably shouldn’t go off it until I’m with you guys…right?” He asks, Sirius, Peter, and James all look to Lily who stares at Remus’ pleading look uncertainly.  Everything telling her not to let him, but she can’t deny he _is_ right.

“Everyone, get parchment out, we’re writing to parents right now to ask.  Anyone got an idea where we can go?” Sirius nods.

“My Uncle Alphard had an old shack on a beach that he owned, the shack and the beach, he left it to me in his will.” The others agree.  Except Remus.  No one’s really expecting him to.  Everyone writes out a letter, Sirius watching Remus closely as he composes his.  The fact that he’s doing so, Lily tells Peter when they run off to the owlery, is definitely a good thing. 

When they get back, Lily looks at Remus with the same uncertainty as before.

“We’ve asked to go the day after summer begins.  So, for the last two days, I’m keeping it and you come to me when you-when you need it,” She tells him hesitantly, feeling crushed at the hopeful relief on his face, “Sirius is staying with you that first night, so we’re going to show him what to do and he’ll be in charge until you meet up with the rest of us.  Got it?” Remus nods, Lily sighs, “You want it now, don’t you?” She asks flatly, Remus looks around, ashamed.

“I-I…” He trails off, knowing any argument he makes about want and need will go unheard, instead he just nods, not looking any of them in the eye.

“Then you do it in front of us.”  Remus brings his knees up to his chest and wraps his arms around them, rocking back and forth slightly.  He can’t do it in front of them.

“You’re right,” He admits quietly, “I don’t want things to be like this.  I know it’s bad.  I just wanted to feel better,” He says, voice barely above a whisper.  Sirius and James both hug him.

“No matter what happens, Remus, we are here for you, always,” James tells him.

“All of us,” Peter agrees.

“Regardless of anything,” Lily adds.  Remus trembles slightly as he nods.

He makes it through half a very bad chess game with Peter before he finally gives in.

“L-Lily,” He says quietly, she looks up from the book she had been reading, “P-Please can I hav-have it?” He requests, unable to meet her gaze.  Lily still thinks this is a terrible idea, but she hands it over to him.  She watches carefully to see how much he takes as he gets it all ready, refusing to look at any of them, clearly trying to pretend they aren’t there, as he injects it into his arm.  Peter winces, sucking in a breath and looking away.  They all know it’s got nothing to do with Remus’ actions, or the drug, and everything to do with his fear of needles though, so no one glares at him for it.

The minute he’s injected it all, Remus drops the needle to the ground, laying back on the floor as he feels the pleasure overwhelm the fear and the shame.  Lily grabs everything and goes, very carefully hiding it in her dorm before she comes back.  She finds Remus giggling mindlessly at something Sirius said and wonders how it took so long to be discovered, how did no one think to look around before?  How did she not see _exactly_ what was happening?

“You doing okay, Remus?” James asks, looking nervous.  Lily thinks it’s a dumb question, of course he feels good now that he’s gotten what he ‘needs’, but she understands that he has no experience with this sort of thing and so holds her tongue.

“Oh yeah, m’all good,” Remus assures him, eyes glazed as he stares at the ceiling.

 

They debate whether to bother with the last two days of lessons.  Even Lily is truly considering ditching it, but so long as he is on the drug, Remus should be fine to attend and she thinks him being distracted by class will lead to him taking less of the drug than if they all just sat around in the dorm doing nothing.  So they go.  It’s a difficult two days for all of them.  The Marauders aren’t surprised that McGonagall asks to see three out of the four after class.  Lily promises she’ll take Remus straight back to the dorm and stay with him, and they trust her to.  To trust an ‘outsider’ with one of their own…she knows it’s a big thing and can’t help but feel flattered.

“Gentlemen, I trust you know what this is about,” McGonagall begins, James cuts her off.

“Yes.  We know he’s been off lately, but just last night we found out what’s been going on.  He’ll be okay, we’re going camping over the hols to get away from everything.  He’ll be right as rain come next year,” James assures their Professor, internally wishing that wasn’t a lie yet feeling like it was.  McGonagall seems uncertain but nods.

“Know that everyone here will do whatever we can to help him, and you, if only one of you would let us.”  They all nod in sync, “Very well, off you go.”

 

It is a tough time for all as they wait for school to finish for the year, those two days seeming endlessly long, if anything growing longer with every injection they watch Remus take.  At least all the parents had approved.

 

For Sirius, the hardest part of all of this will always be the one night it was just he and Remus.  He didn’t sleep at all that night; terrified Remus would sneak out or something and end up dead in a ditch somewhere.  He cries silently to himself as Remus sleeps fitfully.

 

“Hey, how did it go?” James asks as they all apparate on the beach.  Sirius shrugs, not feeling like telling the truth would help anyone.  Thinking that maybe no one will be comforted by the knowledge that he’d had to spend an hour convincing Remus this is the right thing to do, that it’s for the best, that everyone really needs him to try here because they are all terrified of what might happen if he doesn’t.  So he stays quiet and doesn’t mention that he honestly isn’t sure who cried and sobbed more that morning, he, or Remus.  Instead he just hands the stash over to Lily who immediately vanishes it all.

 

It’s five hours before Remus starts getting _really_ irritable.  An hour after that finds him laying by the fire they’ve got going on the beach, head in Sirius’ lap as he stares into the flames, silent tears rolling down his cheeks and he’s not even sure what specific thing he’s crying for.

Seven hours after that, Sirius is woken up by sound from beside him.  He rolls over to see Remus sobbing into a pillow, James hugging him tightly, clearly having woken up first.  Remus doesn’t know what to do.

“I don’t want to do this, I can’t!” He cries, waking the other two easily.  James shushes him, stroking a hand up and down his back calmly.  Remus collapses against him, so drained and tired and done with everything, he just wants it to stop.  This was all supposed to make him feel better, that had been the plan in the beginning, only now he feels worse than he did to begin with.

“It’ll get better, Remus,” James tells him quietly.  He’d found books in the library at his house yesterday and spent most of the night reading everything he could get through on the subject.  Remus doesn’t seem convinced as he continues crying, hopelessness sinking in.  Then he throws up all over James who doesn’t so much as flinch.  Merely thanks Peter when he vanishes the sick and continues cradling the trembling boy in his arms.

Eventually Remus falls back to sleep.  The others decide to take shifts so that someone is awake to make sure he doesn’t choke on his own vomit or do something stupid.

Luckily, he sleeps through the rest of the night, though he shifts and turns near constantly.

 

The next morning, they goad him into eating a small amount of breakfast.  He throws it up not long after, so they start that process again.

“Guys I really don’t think this is a good idea,” Remus tells them as he paces on the beach.

“That’s the drug and the withdrawal talking, Remus,” James reminds him patiently.  Remus tugs at his hair as he keeps pacing.  Then he grabs at his leg with a wince as he drops to the ground.

“Ow _what_?”

“Leg cramps,” Lily and James say in sync.

“What the fuck does heroin have to do with legs anyway?!” Remus complains as he lays back on the sand, attempting to stretch out the muscle to end the cramp.

“It will pass, and you’ll feel better.”

“I FELT FINE BEFORE!” Remus shouts at Peter who flinches backwards.  James instinctually steps in front of Peter to remove him from the situation.

“Remus, you know we are only trying to help you.”

“You aren’t!  You’re making things worse!” Remus insists.

“I’m sure it looks that way now, but you’ll thank us for this in the end,” Lily assures him, Remus mutters some less than pleasant things about all of them, their families, and their ancestry.  It’s when he gets to ‘what the fuck is it with Blacks and wanting to cause pain, is your entire fucking family just filled with sadists?!’ that Sirius excuses himself and walks into the shack.

 

An hour later Remus walks in to find him reading a book.

“Thought you hate reading?” Remus asks, standing in the entrance awkwardly, Sirius raises an eyebrow at him, he shifts before he walks in properly, “I um, I’m sorry about what I said before.  I didn’t mean it.  I mean, I’m still convinced that the Blacks are all sadists,” Remus says, Sirius seems amused by the statement, “but you aren’t one of them.”  Sirius nods.

“I know you didn’t mean it.  I didn’t walk off because I was mad, I just didn’t want to hear anything else like that.”  Remus nods.

“I’m sorry you’re all having to go through this because of my stupid mistake.” Sirius’ lips quirk.

“So, you admit it was a mistake?” Remus shrugs.

“Everyone’s suffering because of me.”  Sirius frowns, unsure how to reply to that.  It’s not really the point they are trying to make.

 

“Please, Lily, _please_!” Remus begs that night.

“Remus no.  Even if I wanted to, which I do not, you saw me vanish it all.  I have nothing to give you,” Lily reminds him, voice steady despite the fact that he had literally been shaking her.  He drops to his knees after that and she wraps him in a hug as he cries helplessly, goosebumps breaking out all over his skin.

“I-I need it,” He tells her.

“No, you don’t.”

 

Peter has last shift and so is the one trying to comfort Remus when the others wake up to find him curled in on himself, arms wrapped around his stomach.

“Stomach cramps?” Sirius asks Peter who nods, both glad that James and Lily quietly went through everything they should expect when the other was with Remus so that he wouldn’t hear.

“Why is this happening?” Remus moans, Peter pushes the hair out of his eyes.

“Because your body is returning to normal.  It hurts but it’s a good thing and it’ll pass,” Peter tells him, Remus just whimpers.

 

“I SWEAR TO GOD, ANY OF YOU SAY, ‘IT WILL PASS’ ONE MORE TIME AND I WILL VOMIT ON YOU!” Remus screams at them before promptly puking on the sand again.  Lily vanishes it and holds out a cup of water to Remus who angrily shoves it away.  She calmly refills it and offers it to him again.  This time he sits up slightly, wiping the tears off his face and accepting the cup, sipping it slowly, “Sorry,” he murmurs quietly, she smiles gently at him.

 

Sirius reads to him to take his mind off things.  Soon enough the others are listening too, kindly ignoring it when Remus starts crying for no reason.  Sirius just strokes his hair and continues reading words that Remus can scarcely concentrate on.  He falls asleep, but it’s fitful and he feels entirely unrested when he wakes up two hours later.

 

“Remus…?” James asks suspiciously as he sees the boy trying to sneak out of the shack.  He looks over to see Peter has fallen asleep during his watch and sighs.  He’s not angry.  The last two days have been undeniably difficult and it’s not a surprise it’s taken its toll.  James walks over to Remus and leads him out of the shack and over to the dying fire.  Remus scratches at his arm, looking down at the ground in shame, “You want to tell me what you were coming out here to do.”

“Just wan-wanted s-some fresh a-air,” Remus lies, James gives him a patient but expectant look, “I-I c-can’t do this Ja-James,” He admits after a moment, curling in on himself, “It’s hor-horri-ible, I just-just want it to _st-stop_.  P-Please m-make it sto-op,” Remus requests, shaking rather violently.  James moves to sit beside him properly and puts an arm around him.  Remus hesitates for a moment before leaning in to his side.

“Say you had managed to find some from some random in town, you’d have just started the whole process over again,” James tells him, Remus cries in his arms, “You have to get through this at some point, Moony.  Do you really want to start from the beginning?” Remus takes a moment before shaking his head.

“James it felt so good,” He says quietly.

“But it doesn’t now, does it?” Remus shakes his head, “It was always going to come to this, and going back on it won’t help.  It will only delay the inevitable and cause you more pain.”  Remus clutches at James’ pyjama top, James tightens his hold on him.

“Help me, please,” Remus whispers, “I don’t want to be like this again.”  James smiles slightly, nodding.

“Come back to bed, Moons.  We’ll help you.”

 

In the morning James insists they tell the others what happened, to Remus’ great shock they are proud.  Peter apologises for falling asleep, because Remus should have had one of them to talk to instead of being alone.

“B-But if James hadn’t woken up I’d be back on drugs, on whatever I happened to have found,” Remus can’t help but point out.

“Maybe so, but something far more important happened last night than a small lapse.” Remus frowns at Lily in confusion, “You decided you wanted to get through this, to get clean.”  Remus seems surprised, then he nods slowly.

“Yeah I…I guess I did.”

 

That day goes downhill after that, but Remus’ decision was still a very important step, and it’s one that helped him get through the restlessness and cramps that followed him most of the day. 

Remus sleeps through the night, and in the morning, Lily informs them that they should be through the worst of it now.  Remus wishes he believed that, but from the moment he woke up the craving had come back.  He stays as close to whoever is near him as possible so that they can watch him and make sure he doesn’t try to run off again.  They notice what he is doing and stick close.

“Do you want to talk about how you are feeling right now?” Sirius asks when the feeling hasn’t abated by lunch time.  Remus seems ashamed as he wipes away tears, hating how weepy he’s being and feeling pathetic for all of it.  Had he really spent the last few days begging them all for the very thing that caused all of this?  How could he be so stupid?  How could he have been so stupid as to start taking it to begin with?  How can he still want it now after everything he’s just been through?  Everything he _is_ going through.

“I know it’s not worth it,” He tells Sirius as they sit on the sand and look out at the ocean, “But I still want it.”  Sirius nods.

“That’s normal, you know.  The cravings, they’ll come and go for a while yet.  You’ve done good today, sticking close to us.  It’s okay to feel like this, the important thing is that you don’t give in to it.”  Remus drags his fingers through the sand as he nods.

“I know I just…it’s so frustrating.  It was easier before, in some ways anyway.  Even just yesterday…” Remus trails off.  Sirius looks at him curiously, waiting for him to continue in his own time, “I wanted it, but I didn’t not want it as well.  Now I know how stupid I’ve been, and I know it’s a bad idea I just…I can’t help how much I still feel like I need it.  I hate that.  I loved the drug because it gave me a control I’ve never had, suppressed the wolf’s instincts so I never even felt it.  I’m even less in control of myself now.  It’s just another thing I can’t help but feel only this time it’s my fault because I was an idiot.”  Sirius nods.

“Admittedly, it was not one of your brightest moments,” Sirius says, Remus scoffs at the careful wording, “All right, it was a pretty dumb move.  But we all make dumb moves, and sometimes the consequences are far more and far harder to deal with than we could have imagined.  Things end up worse than they were before and you know there’s no one to blame but yourself, however much you may wish otherwise.”  Remus looks over and sees Sirius gazing out at the water, “All you can do is move forward and do your best to not make the same mistakes again.”  Remus grabs Sirius’ hand, Sirius laces their fingers together.

“I forgive you, you know.”  Sirius smiles sadly.

“Sure the drugs out of your system?”

“Wouldn’t be going through withdrawal if it weren’t.”

“Thank you.”

 

Remus yawns a lot that evening and seems to have a runny nose.

“Please tell me I am not getting a blasted cold,” Remus requests, Lily chuckles slightly.

“You are not, or at least, I doubt it.  It’s a symptom of Heroin withdrawal.” Remus frowns.

“And I thought the leg cramps were a bizarre symptom.”

“Drugs affect the body in some very strange ways.”

 

That evening Remus can feel himself growing irritable again and warns the others of this.  Lily says that it’s a good thing he can recognise it, to which he snaps that he hadn’t brought it up so that they could make him feel better about it.  He almost immediately apologised, then huffed at himself and decided to go hide out in the shack until “it passes, or I die, whichever comes first.”  No one’s surprised when Peter pokes his head in fifteen minutes later to find him asleep.

 

Three days later and Remus is feeling a lot better.  The group have just under a week left on their trip and decide to start enjoying it.  James awkwardly suggests that maybe going into town isn’t such a good idea yet, Remus looks embarrassed as he looks away from them but quietly agrees.  Lily takes his hand, looking reassuringly at him before suggesting they go swimming.

As they head out to the water, Remus takes his first proper look around at the place they’ve been staying at for over a week.

“It’s beautiful here,” Remus tells Sirius who nods with a smile.

“Yeah, it is.”

 

The day they leave, Lily hugs all four of them and makes them promise to write daily, they all do.  She leaves, and soon after Peter does too.

“You sure you’ll be okay?” James asks Remus nervously, Remus shakes his head.

“No but, can’t hide out here forever, right?” They hug before the Potter brothers apparate away, Remus apparating home right after.

“Remus how was the trip?” Hope Lupin asks as Remus walks into the living room, Remus gives a strange sort of smile as he nods at her.

“Life-changing.”

 

It’s four days later that Remus is cleaning his room and finds an old stash.

“Oh crap,” he whispers to himself as he picks it up.  Suddenly it’s like all his progress washes away as the strong _need_ to have it returns and Remus’ hands shakes as he opens the bag, then he stops, “No, no don’t.  Not worth it, not worth it,” he reminds himself.  He sits and stares at the bag, tears streaming down his face as he shakes his head.  He shouldn’t give in, he knows.  But really, what harm could one hit do?  “Isn’t that what I thought last time?” He asks himself, but, didn’t it also take ages before it was a real problem.  Would one hit make him go through withdrawal again?  Surely not, and then he could…he could feel so good again and isn’t that worth the risk?  Remus feels his resolve crumbling and quickly shoves it all in a bag, apparating to the Potters.

“Remus, how lovely to see you!” Euphemia greets, he smiles tensely.

“Hi Mrs Potter.  Sorry for turning up unannounced but um, a-are either of them here?”  Euphemia seems concerned but nods.

“They were in James’ room last I saw.”

“Thank you,” He says before hurrying up the stairs.

“I still think it’s naked,” Sirius says as Remus walks in the room.

“But the shell is its home, not it’s clothes, so a turtle without it’s shell is homeless, not naked.”

“B-Moony?” Sirius asks, spotting the boy in the door, then he sees the scared look on his face, “What’s wrong?”  Remus bites his lip, scratching at his arm twitchily before shutting the door and throwing the back down.  James cautiously walks forward, opening the bag, he sighs.

“Did you take it?” He asks, Remus shakes his head, James smiles, “Well that’s good.”  Remus tenses, Sirius frowns as he walks over.

“What’s wrong?” Sirius asks again.

“I-I nearly did.  No one was there when I found it in my room from-from before and I just…” Remus trails off, Sirius and James share a relieved look that he hadn’t gone out looking for it.

“You didn’t do it, Remus.  And you came here, that’s good!” Sirius assures him, Remus bursts into tears.

“But I want it so badly, I’m not meant to want it, not anymore an-and-and dammit Padfoot I _need_ it I can’t do this!  I-I’m not strong enough,” Remus tells him, Sirius hugs him.  Remus thinks he’s gotten more hugs over the last few weeks than he has in his entire life beforehand.

“If you weren’t strong enough this conversation would be happening very differently,” Sirius says sternly, “It’s okay to need help Remus, what matters is you saw that you did, and you came and got it.”  Remus buries his face in Sirius’ shoulder.

“Please, please get rid of it, I-I couldn’t but please,” Remus begs quietly, James overhears and immediately vanishes the drugs.  Remus slumps against Sirius, though whether in relief or regret no one is sure.

 

Despite that slight hiccup, Remus’ first week alone goes well.  At least until he wakes up, aching down to his bones.  It takes him most of the day to realise why.  The full moon is in three days, he hasn’t gone through one without the aid of the drug in nine months.

He ignores it, reminding himself continually that he’ll be fine, that he’s been through countless others before without being high and he’ll do it again.  It works, for the most part, up until his Mother accidentally corners him in the kitchen and he straight up growls at her.  She backs up in alarm, he hadn’t done anything of the sort in so long…Remus’ eyes widen as he slips past, stuttering apologies before he runs to his room.  He paces around for a while, tugging at his hair before he turns his room inside out trying to find anything he may have missed before.

He finds a small amount of heroin in his pillow case and honestly cannot remember putting it there, nor does he have any idea why he would have, but he really doesn’t care right now.  Before he knows it, he’s sat at the end of his bed, needle poised to stab his arm when the door opens. 

Remus freezes.

He takes a breath and recognises the scents of James, Sirius, and Lily.

“Why are you here?” He asks them, they all edge into the room, Sirius shutting the door behind them and putting up silencing charms.

“Wormy wrote to us, said he had a bad feeling,” James explains, “He’s got a family do on that he couldn’t get away from, asked us to come check on you.”

“Looks like we got here just in time,” Sirius comments, Remus screws his eyes shut in pain, hand trembling, needle still pressing against his arm.

“Please just leave.”

“You know we won’t do that, Remus,” Lily tells him.

“You guys don’t understand, I _have_ to do this!”

“Okay, now, before you do anything you’ll regret, why don’t you tell us why?” Remus lets out half a sob before he shakes his head, face growing determined.

“I don’t want to hurt anyone.  The wolf it…I can’t control it.  I don’t care what it takes, I finally know what it’s like to not be a monster, I’m not going back to what I was,” Remus tells them, a strength in his voice he’s not sure he feels.

“This isn’t helping anyone,” James says, Remus scrunches his nose as he focuses on the needle, pressing it into his vein, “Remus, please, don’t.”

“I don’t want to hurt anyone, can’t hurt anyone, I WILL NOT BE A MONSTER ANYMORE!” Sirius kneels in front of him, lacing his fingers through the hand Remus has outstretched.

“You have never been a monster.  The people who tell you otherwise, who fail to see the man willing to do anything to protect people, _they_ are the monsters, not you.  You are innocent Remus, and right now you are in a very bad position.  Please, don’t do this, let us help you.”

“People who fail to see the man…people like you?” James gasps, Sirius’ eyes fill with pain, he shakes his head.

“I know you don’t mean that, and you’ll feel really bad that you said it later.  I don’t care what you say, I will still be here, reminding you however often I need to that you are not a monster and you are not alone.  I know monsters, Remus.  I know what they look like, I know how they act, I know the pain they cause people for the sheer pleasure of doing it, and _none_ of that is you.  You will forever be the person working tirelessly to prevent such things, but this si not the way.”  Remus looks from his eyes, to the needle, to their joined hands, and back again.

“I growled at my Mum…I wanted to attack, to defend myself, to hurt her…there’s no other way.”

“Not so long ago you’d have thought there was no way at all.  You found one, but it’s not worth it. We’ll find something else that helps, if there’s one then there will be another.” Remus shakes his head.

“It’s so close Sirius, so close,” Remus says, looking at the needle in his arm as though it is simultaneously the worst and best thing he has ever seen, “I could feel so good, I could protect everyone, the pain…it would all go away…I just want it to go away.”  Sirius feels tears fall down his face as he shakes his head.

“It won’t go away Remus.  Not with this, not with anything.  Not really.” Remus nods, knowing it’s true.  Maybe they can find something else that helps, but there is no cure for lycanthropy, not really.  And if this is the closest he can find?  Then he has found nothing to help.

“Sirius help me, please, because I really want to push it and I don’t think I can not,” he says desperately, Sirius hesitates for a moment before he shakes his head.

“I am here with you, every step of the way.  But you need to walk on your own legs, even while we’re by your side.” Remus cries, shaking his head.

“Please Padfoot, I can’t.” Sirius nods, tears continuing to fall down his own face as well.

“Yes, you can.  I believe in you Remus, you can do this.”

He will remember this moment as the hardest thing he’s ever had to do for a long time yet.  He pulls the needle out and drops it into Sirius’ waiting hand before he collapses forward into his arms.  Sirius hands it back to Lily before wrapping his arms around his friend.

“Dammit dammit no I need it, I need it, Sirius please I change my mind, please,” Remus tells him, Sirius holds him tightly.

“You made the decision, Remus.  You need to keep walking.”  Remus looks up, terrified eyes locking with Sirius’ emotionally charged grey orbs.

“Where?” Sirius’ lip quirks slightly.

“Forward.  Always forward.”  Lily vanishes the needle, moving beside Remus and hugging him, James doing the same on the other side as Sirius continues holding him all but in his lap.

Maybe there is no cure for Remus, but he has found something to help.  He’s found friendship, and with these three by his side, he knows he’ll make it through.


End file.
